How To Give Your Parent A Peaceful Passage: 9 Pieces Of Bedside Wisdom
There are few things more difficult than saying goodbye to a dying parent. In between talking to doctors and family members and learning how to cope emotionally, are all of the funeral arrangements and affairs in order? Does Mom have an advance directive? Has Dad filled out a will? Is a "good death" possible? We get lots of advice on how to live a good life, but who teaches us to die well?
Know that you do not have to be a death worker to understand how to provide a comfortable, peaceful environment to someone who is passing. And, understand that death doesn’t have to be a scary, uncomfortable process. We hope this piece gives you better peace of mind and a fresh perspective so you can make peace with what is happening.
What Does it Mean to Provide a Peaceful Passage?
Many times we learn about death in sterile hospital corridors from health care professionals who are trained to help us heal, not to help us die. And yet, theirs will be the only voice many of us hear when we make end-of-life decisions with our parents.
What if we could help rewrite the narrative of death? What if a difficult time could also be coupled with a support group, kindness, mental health support, and a care plan to achieve the most peaceful death possible? These are just some of the things that describe a “peaceful passage.”
A peaceful passage takes a holistic approach to death, prioritizing comfort, closure, spiritual support, palliative care, and emotional well-being for both the individual and their loved ones. Within a peaceful passage, there’s a balance between providing practical support and being emotionally present with what is happening.
Preparing the Bedside for End-of-Life Care
Assisting a dying loved one is no easy feat, but it can be an enriching and loving experience. These tips help to make sure your loved one is well taken care of at the end of their life.
Prioritize Physical Comfort
Comfort is one of the biggest priorities for a dying parent. Use soft, breathable linens and make sure they are properly supported with pillows, specialized mattresses, and cushions to prevent bed sores or feeling uncomfortable.
Make sure furniture is cleared on all sides of the bed so family, friends, and caregivers can easily access your passing loved one. Be sure to also use soft, warm lighting and keep the temperature at a comfortable level for the patient.
Make It Personal
Place photos of loved ones, memorable items, candles, and cherished mementos near your loved one’s bed. You can use essential oils for aromatherapy to make the patient feel more comfortable and at ease, and use their favorite pillows and blankets so they feel at home.
Set up extra chairs or places to sit for family members so everyone can spend time with their loved one and share stories. End-of-life can be a very emotional, so they will find more comfort in these items.
Keep It Practical for Caregivers
This is also a sensitive and busy time for family members and caregivers. Keep supplies such as tissues, hand sanitizers, gloves, or lotions near and easy to access. You can also consider organizing the nightstand with necessary medications, water, and vital personal items.
A small, dimmable light on the nightstand can be helpful for caregivers at night, and having a call button or bell within reach makes it easy for them to get in touch with you.
Maintain Respect
Be strict about who is allowed in the space, keep it quiet, and make sure the space is clean and hygienic. Speak gently and respectfully to your loved one and be patient during this time. Even though they will need to be cared for quite a bit, it’s important to prioritize their privacy and respect when they need that time to themselves.
9 Piece of Bedside Wisdom to Provide Comfort and Dignity
After helping my mother through her own passing, and then writing a novel inspired by the experience, here are nine pieces of wisdom I learned along the way.
Recognize the Signs
It takes nine months to be ready to come into the world, and it often takes that long to be ready to leave it. There is a pathway to a natural death, and it may start up to a year in advance.
You may see signs that Dad is disinterested in life, resigned, or even depressed. He might withdraw and stop participating. Understand that this is natural, and is his way of preparing to say goodbye.
Have The Talk
You might find that Mom wants to talk about the end of her life, and no matter how uncomfortable it is for you, let her. Ask her how she feels about dying. Talk about what kind of passage she imagines.
Many people don't imagine dying in the hospital intensive care unit, tied to machines, but many of us will because no one asks. This is why it’s important to have these conversations. If you need, see a therapist during this time so you can process your own emotions about your passing parent.
Remember To Ask Yourself: Whose Life Is It, Anyway?
Sometime in the last few centuries, Americans turned death over to medical institutions. In doing so, we give up our personal and spiritual freedom at a time when we most need it. When I wrote Finding Frances, I realized how strong the pull is to take medical treatment at all costs, right up until the end, regardless of religious or personal beliefs. In the book, William, one of the main characters, struggles to help his mother die in accordance with her own beliefs, even though they are in conflict with his own.
But here is what my own experience taught me: If we believe our parents are entitled to their own choices, their dying becomes easier. Listen to what your parents’ dying wishes are, leave your personal agenda aside, and truly honor them.
Consider Mom's Quality of Life
In our litigious, high-tech society, doctors suggest unlikely solutions when the most obvious solutions prove ineffective. When one method doesn't work, it's often followed by the words, "But we can try ___."
Help mom make the best decisions for herself by understanding the probabilities of success, the amount of damage the solution will cause and the probable quality of life if the new treatment is successful. Let her know it's her choice whether or not to proceed. Her answer might surprise you.
Help Dad Communicate His Wishes
Everyone knows they should have a will, but between 40 and 60 percent of us do not have advance care directives – legal documents that spell out our wishes for our end-of-life experience. You can get a valid will for your state online or from your lawyer.
There are organizations like Project Grace that offer innovative, easy ways to capture those last requests. Help Dad fill it out and give copies to family members and doctors.
When They Can't Speak For Themselves, Honor the Surrogate
Advance care directives make the job of being a healthcare surrogate much easier. A healthcare surrogate is the person who makes decisions for the individual if they are unable to speak for themselves.
In my book, Frances asks her son, William, to play this role. The choice should always be for the person who best knows and is willing to adhere to the parent's own wishes without bringing a personal agenda. They may or may not have a limited power of attorney for the parent.
Prepare the Way for Hospice
Hospice care is an essential part of the end-of-life journey, as it provides comfort-focused treatment and support for individuals in their final stages. While many people express a desire to spend their last days at home rather than in a hospital, hospice care is often not arranged soon enough to allow for a truly peaceful transition.
Because hospice services are typically covered by Medicare and many private insurance plans, it’s important to understand the eligibility requirements and options available. By planning ahead, you can make sure your loved one gets the care they need in a place where they feel most comfortable. Take the time to explore providers, ask questions, and put plans in place so hospice care is ready when it’s needed.
Know Your Limits, and Do Your Best
All families have their histories and complications. It isn't always a Hallmark moment when they gather around a sickbed. There will be plenty of time to relive the family drama when the parent is gone. If your emotional limit is 10 minutes, stay 10 minutes, and then leave, no excuses required. If you're exhausted, take time out for yourself.
Your responsibility is for your parent's peace and for your own physical and mental health. All you can give is your best effort. Prioritize your physical and mental health so you can be more present for your parent during their final stages of life.
Try to Find Closure
In the last days during the dying process when it seems there is nothing left to do but grieve, ask yourself, "What will I always wish I said but won't be able to?" and "What do I need to ask before it's too late?"
When your parent is dying on his or her own terms, death can be a beautiful time of bonding and mending. Make these final moments special and memorable so you have nothing left you haven’t said or done.
Common Challenges and How To Overcome Them
Bedside care during the end of your loved one’s life can pose many challenges amidst the beauty. Despite these challenges, with the right support and resources, this journey can be filled with love, dignity, and peace.
Physical and Emotional Exhaustion
Caring for a dying loved one is a full-time job. Enlist the help of hospice care, additional family members or friends, and organize a rotating schedule so everyone gets breaks to sleep, work, or take time for self-care.
This process can also be emotionally taxing, so getting the help of a therapist, priest or spiritual mentor, or practicing meditation, breathing exercises, or gentle yoga can help significantly during this time. Do not run yourself ragged.
Managing Pain and Discomfort
Focusing on bringing physical and emotional comfort to your dying loved one is one of the most important aspects of end-of-life care. Talk to your parent’s health care team to get a better understanding of their medication schedules and how to keep pain as low as possible.
Offer emotional support to your loved one by listening more than talking, by providing a comforting hand, or by playing their favorite music or movies. Encouraging family and friend visits can also help you and your parent feel more supported and less alone.
Financial Strain
Hospice care and medical support can be costly, and sometimes you may not know how long it will go on for. Explore available resources like government-assisted programs, charitable organizations, insurance benefits, or even Kickstarter campaigns. Talk to a financial advisor or social worker to explore your options so you don’t have to bear the burden of all the financial stress.
Making Difficult Decisions
Discuss hard decisions that need to be made with family members before the time comes to make them. Respect your parent’s advance directive selection (the person who makes medical decisions for them if they can’t), and honor your parent’s wishes rather than your own personal agenda. Consult with a medical team to weigh all your options.
When to Seek Help from Hospice or Professionals
Remind yourself every day that you are not alone, and you do not have to do everything by yourself. This is where hospice care is especially helpful. They are a trained team of medical professionals who know exactly how to take care of your loved one in their final days so you don’t have to be responsible 24/7.
Talk to your family and loved ones about ways to ease your burden, whether that’s through hospice, a caregiver, alternating family and friends schedules to come help, or getting more community support.
Find Comforting Solutions for Both You and Your Loved One
Caring for an aging parent is one thing, and helping them die well is another. Here at Parentgiving, we understand the anticipatory grief, daily challenges, and loneliness that comes from caring for a dying parent. To help make this journey a bit easier, we have a wealth of aging-related products and resources available to help you and your family navigate this difficult time.
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Visit our website to get support from other caregivers and families who have been through the same things you have. You and your family deserve to have the best care at the end of life.