Zoe, our first grader, had a homework assignment this week for her class unit on families. Each child was asked to bring in pictures showing the holidays they celebrate at home. Independent as usual, Zoe ruffled through a series of albums and selected four photos that she wanted to take to school. "These are pictures from our holidays," she announced. "Here's us lighting the menorah for Hanukkah; this was Rosh Hashanah dinner; here's a picture of me with the Passover Seder plate; and here we are on our cruise!"

"Zoe, WHAT are you talking about?" I asked. "Cruises aren't a holiday."

"Yes they are mom. We do it every year. It's a tradition!"

The reflex was to correct her. But, I realized that I was the one who had literally and figuratively missed the boat. I was boxed in to the traditional definition of "holiday" as a religious, cultural or national event. However, Zoe, with her seven years of wisdom, freely interpreted "holidays" as those times when we predictably spend dedicated time together as a family. To her, it is about the experience...not the calendar. Needless to say, she turned in her homework assignment with the pictures she originally selected.

The interaction was an important reminder: words take on the meaning we assign to them.

So, I started thinking about other words that are chock full of boundaries like..."family."

What is family? The Latin term "familia" means household. The first entry in Webster's Dictionary says family is "a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head." The Census Bureau defines family as "two or more persons, including the householder, who are related by birth, marriage, or adoption, and who live together as one household.”

Until we leave home in early adulthood, our family--particularly parents and siblings--is our most important and reliable source of guidance, love, and protection. Ideally, our birth family continues to be a source of strength and support for us even as we marry, have our own children, and live under a different roof with our new family. Unfortunately, all too often, the dynamics with our parents are stressful and sibling rivalry re-surfaces. Nevertheless, we generally make great efforts and sacrifices to maintain a connection with the family we grew up with. We forgive, we tolerate, we turn the other cheek, and we try hard to make it work. It’s important.

But why? Why is it important to maintain relationships with parents and siblings? I have asked this question of others and myself over the last year. I couldn't arrive at a logical answer on my own and kept getting answers from others that seemed superficial:
"Because they are family!" Circular logic. Doesn't fly.
"Because blood is thicker than water." Sorry. Last I checked, parents and siblings don't share a common vascular system.
"Because you can't divorce your family." A bit irrelevant. You can't get divorced if you never married them.

It was Laura Engler's response that finally made sense to me: "Archelle, staying connected to family is important because you have shared history. They are the only people who don't need an explanation for a quirk, a family ritual, or an inside joke. They just know."

I got it. Family = those individuals with whom we grow, develop memories, and have trust. If we give ourselves the freedom to transcend the boundaries of the etymologic or legal definitions of "family," then we realize that our dearest friends...are truly family. What a gift! At the same time, blood relatives with whom we no longer have memories, trust, or love...are not. While this perspective may be hard to swallow, accepting and understanding it offers peace and consolation when lifelong bonds are permanently fractured.

This of course leads to more questions: What are the definitions of friend, trust, and love. What about hope, peace, and life? Their meaning is important and very personal to you. Don't passively rely on traditional norms or Webster’s Dictionary. Take the time to remember your experiences around these words. Then, give yourself permission to think and act like a 7 year old who is old enough to be observant and thoughtful while young enough to see the world through a fresh new lens.