When arguing between elders and their grown children goes nowhere, the right impartial voice may help.
(Part one of a two-part series)
As baby boomers approach their own retirement age, very few thought they would become caregivers to parents well into their 80s and 90s. Their parents probably never wanted this for them to either; they’d much rather remain independent. Disputes can arise from these situations.
One child may take care of parents and the other siblings may disagree with the way in which that care is provided. Or the parent may be very sensitive to any action that restricts their independence, like when an adult child wants to take away Dad’s car keys because he scraped the fender on the neighbor’s car…again.
Emotions can flare and the problem can be transformed into more intractable issues of pride and dignity. Old sibling rivalries may be rekindled and long-buried resentments may resurface. Before they start doing things they may later regret, such as going to court, family members can try a relatively new option: getting assistance from an elder mediator.
Mediation is an effective method that can help families reduce conflicts and incendiary interactions. It often prevents problems from escalating out of control, which they very well can.
Consider that father who was adamant about keeping the keys to his car. When his children told him they were taking the keys, he told them the first one who did it would be removed from his will. Everyone including the father knew his driving was no longer safe, but there was absolutely no way he was going to allow his children to dictate to him. The elder thought it a blow to his dignity if he surrendered the car keys to a child, even a grown one.
The family called in an elder mediator to facilitate the mediation process. The outcome of the session was a win-win situation for everyone. The father agreed to give up the car keys (which was what the children wanted); however, he did not hand the keys to his children (which was his stand) but to a third party—the mediator.
There are many issues that can cause members of a family to take opposing positions, but there are common flash points that usually spark family disputes.
“Concerns about car keys and related issues of driving and transportation, contested guardianships and disagreements about how to care for parents are the most common conflict points in my experience,” says Janet Mitchell, an attorney-mediator and director of Eldercare Mediators in Indiana.
Many issues lend themselves to mediation, according to Mitchell who has mediated over 800 cases since 1986. However, it is the family that makes the final decision on what topics they will bring to mediation.
Aside from the three areas of possible conflict mentioned above, mediation may be necessary on issues such as:
The basic concept in mediation is that people can work things out among themselves and resolve their differences more quickly with the help of a mediator—someone who is neutral and can facilitate communication among all parties involved.
Mediators provide expertise in processes that can help the family reach agreements on the issues to be resolved. They steer the group through the process, but make sure the decisions are made by the group alone.
The mediation approach emphasizes confidentiality (especially on the mediator’s part), voluntary participation, impartiality, realism, problem-solving instead of putting blame on others and shared communication among participants.
“A mediator who uses a directive method of mediating will have problems,” says Mitchell. “Transformative and facilitative methods work better in elder mediation.”
Mitchell also stresses the need for a mediator to have thorough knowledge about aging and family dynamics in order to be effective.
Finding mediators with the right qualifications and experience for elder care disputes may require effort.
There is no national credentialing system for elder mediators. State governments handle the requirements for mediator education, training and credentialing, but not all states license or certify mediators.
Mediation training usually covers 40 hours of basic training and 20 hours of advanced training. There are mediation organizations that require 20 hours of continuing training every two years of its members.
But the most important thing to look for is experience in settling disputes: the more disputes handled, the better. Some organizations require their mediators to have a minimum of 250 hours of face-to-face family mediation and to have handled at least 25 different cases.
When you are interviewing an mediator, ask about the following information:
A list of other questions to ask can be found at the www.eldercaremediators.com/join/join.htm site.
The following sites can help you locate mediation centers and/or mediation professionals in your state.
National Association for Community Mediation (NAFCM): www.nafcm.org/
NAFCM has local centers nationwide staffed by more than 22,000 volunteer mediators. Check their site to search for a center near you.
Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR): www.acrnet.org
Eldercare Mediators: www.EldercareMediators.com
National Council on Family Relations (NCFR): www.ncfr.org
The Center for Social Gerontology: www.tcsg.org
American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT): www.aamft.org
There are also state organizations of professional mediators.